Raw Testimony of a born Again X Drug Addict Child of God
Sheep Are The Children of God by Analogy
Let’s call us “children” instead of animals. After all, I resent when the beast calls us cattle. “heard immunity, heard mentality, etc.”
Jesus Repeated the phrase “feed my sheep” to the apostles in the gospels when they questioned, “what is Thy will?”
EMOTIONAL TRAUMA & INDOCTRINATION OF A YOUTH
In kindergarten my mother would not let me dress up with the other children for Halloween. Every class went from school room to school room showing off their costumes. My teacher put me at the very last of the line, me walking through every room being different. Different than every other child in the school who was dressed up. Well, accepting my sister of course. I don’t know what she went through. I know that today she absolutely hates our Mother.
Once again Mom’s ignorance of raising children and lack of consideration to put some real thought into what she was actually doing to us mounted in us more trauma by abuse. Mom is a product of the beast system. And Dad thinking violence is love according to the beast, gives us our regular brutal spankings. After all if we are to choose Love then we choose a man who repeatedly hurts us. That’s Love right? (sarcasm)
Removing us from our homes and putting us in a situation where a cold mean stranger is wielding power over us and saying things like “YOU FAILED” is highly traumatic for a five years old….you get my drift. Or you need to stay back a year cause your stupider than the rest of the class!
Mother taught us children nothing of the world because she knew nothing of the world. Ignorant of danger she literally threw us to the wolves.
Somewhere in there was my spending the night with a relative of Mom’s. Resulting in the sexual abuse by the sneaky older man 3rd cousin. The one who locked mom in the trunk when she was child. God almighty, sometimes it seems perhaps I was one of those targeted individuals. The dangers in my life were relentless. I will spare you that story of sexual abuse, for now. I nearly drowned at least twice. Dad saved my life over and over. I bashed my head so many times needing stitches that they investigated my parents for child abuse in the 60s. And that takes alot public record of injury.
Chemical Attacks from my own Mom & Third Degree Burns or Second– who knows, As Dad stands Watching
I walked into a fire and sat down in it burning my whole underside at age 4. The trauma attached to that little event left me out of my body literally. I clearly remember being on a metal table as they peeled off my skin. The doctor with one of those horrible round lights on his head. I had enough, I literally went into a closet out of body. I walked away. My own mother couldn’t stand the screaming she left the room.
To this day I don’t know why my Dad standing right on the other side of the fire would allow me to walk through gray hot ash with red embers burning underneath. I suppose had he really wanted me dead he would not have twice saved me from drowning in the back yard pool. I remember once when they cleaned the pool mom allowing us to swim in bleach water. She was big on chemicals nearly burning my lungs with ammonia water. Over and over I told her the stuff is poison when I became an adult. Now she’s on oxygen from leaving bleach and ammonia in her sink every time she cleans and never ever opening the windows. My parents are as blind to evil & darkness as they are to their own hearts.
Anger Toward God-Why the Suffering?
Part of being chosen of God…and keep in mind friend, flesh and blood are temporal very temporal. The soul and spirit are eternal. Seeing the big picture is part of being chosen. How? The afterlife MUST, MUST, be very real to us. Otherwise we cannot gain the needed wisdom from God’s lessons. Hence every chosen few has died at least once. They have visited the afterlife, they have had out of body dreams. They have felt eternity by receiving The Holy Spirit. Not all are the hand or the eye. Count yourself blessed if ye are of the great multitude because The meek WILL INHERIT THE EARTH. And this is what the elite fight against.
The Elite Want The 144,000 Dead.
If they can’t identify the 144 they will slaughter all God’s children in anxt.
The prophecies say they will lose their power and they will. They value power over all things. They will not go down without a fight. They want us all dead. They cannot identify the elect. So many saying “I am 144, I am 144” this is for a reason. The waters are muddied for a reason. God shall not allow His elect to suffer by the hand of evil ever again. That is His promise to the 144,000 His army and those who go before the thrones.
Spiritual lessons that come from pain and suffering can be eternal if the reaction is in fact good and spiritual. Being mad at God is part of the chosen’s walk. We know God is real and we are pissed at Him! This is part of our relationships with Him being formed. We later turn to Him showing Him our anger. We are transparent with Him and we know without His help we’re squittled. “Turn me and I shall be turned”. Then to later see the benefits of suffering and the many lessons is priceless wisdom.
Again—Those clothed in white who have come out of Great tribulation who go before the throne night and day, these are God’s chosen few who He makes guardians over The New Earth. Not “the great tribulation”. Revelation
I WAS A FAILURE AT THIRD GRADE
Isn’t it funny, well not funny, rather ironic that my parents much later in life told me I tested out one of the top three IQ’s in my entire school’s history. Three years later they were telling me I was a failure at that same school. I passed with C’s because I wanted to make C’s. The teacher was pissed and hated me because I was not obedient, I didn’t study, I didn’t have to try. I could easily make C’s by simple common sense. I would not make the A’s she wanted. I would not act like my sister whom she loved & taught earlier years. Mrs. Harper (and she was a harper) made this quite clear to me. “Why aren’t you more like your sister? She was a joy to teach, but YOU, YOUR A failure!!”
It was as if the beat down was what I was destined for. I believed Mrs. Harper. In my heart between the beatings from Dad and the criticism I knew I was “bad & wrong, a failure”. I would not find out until years, many years later who I really am. I embraced Sarah the failure.
So, at 8 years old my parents responded to Mrs. Harpers advice to keep me back a year. They said, “we are moving from Akron to Kent Ohio anyway so we will make Sarah repeat 3rd grade even though she passed by her grades.” Why? Because the bitch teacher didn’t like me and my parents were followers of the beast. I have forgiven Mrs. Harper who by the way lost her son in Vietnam and played the “Fighting Soldiers from the sky” the Green Barret theme song every morning before class on the record player.
Some Relief from the Abuse & Public Speaking at Age 9
My second bout with third grade was much different. Mrs. Tesar in Kent Ohio was a loving woman who encouraged and kept safe her students. And furthermore my fourth grade teacher was much the same. Thank God we moved away from Rhimer Elementary Hell. Mr. Fairchild took us ice skating in his backyard river. It was dark and cold, but oh how fun. Once he have a public speaking assignment and I froze in front of the class. He made it a lesson to the class saying in a kind and understanding way what can happen due to nervous fear. I had no shortage of fear. After all I was a failure every child in that room was better than me. (I thought) I was literally petrified.
I should note that I later skipped ninth grade making up the demotion of third grade. My grades were easily good enough to do so at that time. And tenth grade was easy for me. in ‘Operation Upgrade’ in Hillsborough County Florida those who were old enough with the grades could skip a grade. My friend Joanne wanted me to stay where I was not getting out of an entire year of school. She knew I would move on from her and by God I am very glad I did.
God’s Gifts Are Without Repentance. Steeped in Sin
I was lost for years, searching for something I did not know. When I tried drugs at age 12 my young life was so steeped in emotional pain and I was so filled up with hurt, and fear that drugs were my relief.
Sidenote: If I was to express fear or hurt to anybody in my family I would have been either mocked by my older sister, who by the way used to beat my little brother whom I protected. I finally was able to stand her off physically at about age 7, she never attacked us again. But all my fears had to be held in. My mother and father always invalidated anything, any feeling, any fear, and emotion that I had all through life pretty much. I was trained to repress and the fear nearly ate me alive.
You see, with addiction, people who are not steeped in pain don’t get addicted. Sure addicts like me usually say “I had no trauma in my childhood I had good parents”. I used to say it myself and mean it. Why would I say that? Because the TV programming showed me what trauma is and I did not relate to it. Little did I know there is a different kind of child trauma that comes in stealth and in ignorance. It comes from these sources, parents, education, our peers because we are trained to demoralize one another as an emotional survival skill, and the TV media.
But make no mistake, most people even into adulthood have no clue what emotional trauma really looks like. How would they? They didn’t teach us healthy emotions at school that’s for sure. How do you speak to yourself?
Long story short, I was steeped in sin and misery most of my life. I was a heroin addict, Cocaine Injector, Pot smoking, Prostitute, thief, Liar, Hopeful drug addict who not only prayed for help, I prayed in tongues for help during my relapse/prodigal walk. For years on end. Whaaat???
My History With Religion
I was born in 1959 making me 62 years old. I was not raised in the church as they say. However my mother was a Jehovah Witness and she used to speak often of the “New World” It sounded to me like a myth at the time. I didn’t put any stock in it. I believed what was in front of me at the time. Still I was a praying child from the very start of my life, and always have been. Mom took us to church on holydays I mean holidays.
Church was no different than school to me. Expect that there were no hard tests and bad grades given. Today there is not one preacher who I can sit and listen to and agree with wholeheartedly. Not on Youtube or mainstream or real life. I can’t even agree 50% or 20%. Sometimes they will say something true.
My foundation of religion is me reading the Bible on my own back from late 80s through late 90s. I had all the books when they were “books”. I had the Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance. I had Lexicons, interlinear bible’s, every version in English and I read mainly the KJV and I read the Old Testament in the NIV & KJV.
Persecution from the Pulpit
I had one church and one pasture in life who I called my own at age thirty something. When my loving preacher changed and started preaching Hell fire and condemnation rather than teaching with Love, the church split. One pasture one way, and mine another way. I learned so much from Him. I don’t know what happened to him but I see no benefit to giving people the beat down over and over and over.
I am not saying don’t prepare for eternity and be aware that ye shall be judged for our treatment of others. But condemnation from the pulpit repeatedly teaches mankind nothing but guilt and shame. Of which I was already filled to the brim. When I left that church, me and my tithes, that preacher for the first time spoke to me directly after years of being in his churches fairly unnoticed.
“They will kill you out there Sarah”, was his words to me. Well he was nearly right. He was afraid. He wanted me back I believe because of the tithes. He never gave a shit about any of us it seems to me. Or maybe he did, but he sure as hell could have at least acknowledge the women’s ministry me and another member had at that time to strippers and prostitutes’.
My Ministry to Strippers & Prostitutes
There were three of us woman born again in the church. Women who really knew what it is to be changed by God Himself. Born again. Looking back I think perhaps my old preacher feared us, he did not understand or relate to us.
Seems to me there are variation of being born again. And after we were born again God sent us out. We witnessed to the dancers and hookers who needed to hear of God’s Love. Those whom the preacher was unable to reach. Once my girlfriend Lori asked the pastor to recognize our ministry as part of the church ministry. He abruptly refused. It wasn’t pretty enough. It wasn’t dressed right. It wasn’t packaged the way he would have it-apparently. Yes were were raw. But it was amazing times. We would walk into the dressing rooms at the strip clubs and there would sit one young woman or another primed for ministering, falling apart at the seems. This happened continually in that ministry. God moved more for those women than I have ever seen in ministry.
Threatened by My Friend in Ministry at Knife Point
I was even in choir. Lori’s the other ex drug addict who I brought into the strip clubs with me to minister. Oh she was so sweet. She made up little baskets of jelly beans and chocolates on Easter for the dancers. The strippers loved her! She would minister to them individually and speak of how God saved & delivered her from hell life. My stripper ministry was very very productive. It was my first ministry. When I relapsed into drug addiction it took years before I finally got pulled back out by God.
I received the Holy Spirit when I was thirty in a little Baptist church by the laying on of hands & prayer. In my experience that’s how it happens. So the automatic part of the infilling that happens when you ask Jesus in for help by desperation was my born again moment. I was born again when I was 27.
At 27 my morality changed and I never returned into the deep sexual immorality that I came out of at that time. Even during my prodigal walk my morals remained upgraded.
Nevertheless my prodigal walk taught me not to judge others. I forget that lesson from time to time. Perhaps I am more stubborn than some.
I walked as prodigal for probably ten years with The Holy Spirit. God’s gifts are with repentance. If He didn’t take the Spirit back from me He won’t take it back. I think you would have to ask God to leave or something horrible like that. I got arrested spent 60 days in county and finally ran, not walked to Alcoholics Anonymous where I finally-thank God! I became reprogrammed by God using therapy and the 12 steps. It took seven years to change my thought patterns and neural pathways of my mind. Meditation was a big part of that change by positive affirmations and daily 12 step meetings. I learned how to express myself. How to quit keeping shame secrets of fear. Say what I mean and mean what I say.
I built confidence by telling my testimony to hundreds at a time at speaker meetings. I worked through those old childhood fears of public speaking & inferiority. I realized I am a valuable and somewhat vulnerable child of God. I do not speak to my self the way I used to-ever.
My worst sin was the way I treated myself for so long. Some say people cannot change. But given the right circumstances we can reprogram while God changes our heart. To be the clay in His hands is worth every pain and cry. But it takes work. Change isn’t easy, we fear it sometimes. It takes God and footwork both. The work a man does to change who he is should become a way of life. When any problem arises we say—“Out of the problem into the solution”.
The Truth Gospel
The true gospel is sharing what Jesus did for you. Because that is the gospel that comes from the heart and is Truth and alive.
How in the hell does somebody attain a strippers ministry you might ask. Well long story short–God provides it. I was a stripper. I was a prostitute drug addict. God delivered me. See my 5 part testimony. I spent years living up to the title of “failure” who I believed I was for years. I was a stripper for years. After I was born again God put me behind a sewing machine making outfits for strippers. This is still my work today except now I do it online. No more setting up outfits in the dressing rooms. The managers all knew me. I had a foot in at strip clubs from Austin to San Antonio. They knew I was now born again and they knew why I quit dancing. I was a witness. So I was allowed to bring Lori into the clubs with me.
Lori’s husband stood next to me in choir because I was an alto. Staying on the right pitch with three harmonies Tenor, alto, soprano isn’t easy when your not a natural at it. We had to be grouped together. I was able to follow her husband’s voice. Once his family at church invited me to dinner after. My friend Lori was out sick that day. Next thing I knew the crazy bitch was threatening me at knife point, knife point! About stealing her husband because I met him and his family at an after church lunch. There went that portion of that ministry.
Can you imagine? A girl well over age 27 knocks on my door and puts a knife to my throat because I know and went to lunch with her in-laws. She was sure I wanted to steal her husband. No wonder the preacher didn’t want her representing the church in ministry. She was bat shit crazy. Her husband said “she has returned to her old behavior”. What was she a murderer? Well seems I have somebody else to forgive in word so my heart will follow.
Does this incident mean Lori wasn’t born again? NO! Make no mistake she became the clay in God’s hands just as I did. It takes years to reprogram after being born again. God changes our heart and our mind. But old habits die hard, that’s why the 12 step recovery programs are so beneficial for born again believers. They can become part of the reprogramming of behaviors. Especially for drug addicts who need years to relearn and build new neuropathways in the brain. There is a thing called the prodigal son walk. If your a born again believer who has back slid horribly do not underestimate the lessons of Grace and Love, mercy, and forbearance of God that comes with a prodigal son walk.
The scariest scripture in the Bible I fulfilled
Paraphrased. If a man is delivered of demons and is born again of The Spirit of God and yet returns as a dog to his vomit to his old ways then those demons look and say “his house is clean and swept & the door is open for the taking” that demon brings 6 other demons back with him to the house it once was vanquished from. Put on the full armor of God.
I do not think the re-infestation of demons happened to me but I am a candidate because of my prodigal walk. Testimony 5 parts Youtube.
Nevertheless God brought me back out after years of my turning my back on Him and His gracious gifts to me.
My Ministry to The Very Wicked The Prodigal Walk Ministry
One day perhaps I will go over the worst of the worst that I can remember. A time filled with crooked cops, bribes, immorality, danger, insanity, great suffering, regret, remorse, self induced trauma, sick relationships, abusive boyfriends, The jumping from moving vehicles to get away from assailants. rape, more near death experience, kidnapping. The giving of a testimony to the most evil on earth that nearly results in decapitation. Men of evil don’t listen to preachers and nuns whom they have no part with. But when a fellow sinner they know tells them God is real & loves them and what he did for them, it hits them right between the eyes. And they do not always react well toward that witness.
Perhaps God wanted me to know what having a sword to my neck for the testimony of Him would feel like. Idk. But this dangerous & insane man who announced to the who camp I was staying at that he would take my head that night changed his mind and heart. He had every intention of doing so and I was going to allow it without even running. Had I run he may have enjoyed it. Something stopped his hand. It wasn’t me. I wasn’t to die that day, not again. Not yet. Some day I might write the horrors of the prodigal walk but for now it’s not to be.
God Gave Me a Third Ministry in Alcoholics Anonymous
As I said I spent years in AA reprogramming and gaining self worth. I learned how to build self esteem and I learned my character defect patterns with the purpose of not repeating them. Not everyone in AA takes rehabilitation so seriously as I did. Nor do they take God as seriously as I do. My own sister, a dysfunctional drug addict had all the same opportunities I did. Yet she just could never change. She couldn’t open up her heart, her true heart to God. She never really opened the door to let God in. I could be wrong.
I was rebuilt in AA and I left AA because from it I got what I needed. I am not under AA rule to need the program for the rest of my days as so many in AA claim. Some even call AA or ‘The Program’ their own Higher Power. Big mistake. The 12 step programs are full of lies at every turn. They are also full of truth at many turns. The program is free. I owe AA nothing.
They chant “You have to give it away to keep it” this is true to a point, but for how long? How long do I have to give it away? I get to mark that timeline with my own choice. If you don’t do the 12 step work you will not gain the self worth needed to be reprogrammed. But if you think that its AA whom you are beholden to instead of God Himself then ye worship the creation over The Creator. God is my sustenance not man.
A Scribe of God My Third Ministry
Jazweeh and I are the authors of my scribe ministry. I did not plan to write a testimony but that’ s where this article ended up. This is my end of days ministry. Every footstep in my life has been for this moment in time. I am not to judge others. There is a whole multitude of Christians right now who have no clue of what is going on. I can’t make anyone see Truth. The creature/locust is on the heads and minds of most. The supernatural is full bore on Earth. Yet the strongholds of Satan are collapsing day by day. God’s army is raised up and they are powerful. Those who were once oppressed and down trodden are now the most skilled spiritual warriors on Earth.
They have come out of great tribulation. Those who are born again do not usually stand up and tell the worst parts of their demonic walk through hell. I left out the worst parts of the self inflicted part of my dangerous life.
Deliverance from demons is part of the walk with God. Those who know what it’s like to be subservient to a demonic force of actions within that goes against their own heart know suffering.
“Why do I do that which I do not want to do? Each time I make up my mind to do good evil is right there with me. I then act according to evil in me that is not of me. Who shall deliver me from this body of death? Praise be to Jesus The Christ who is all merciful forever and ever.” Apostle Paul —Paraphrased from Pre Mandela effect skewed bible changes.
The Justified shall live by Faith
The chosen of God have already died once quite literally. Or more. They have stood under the knife, and under the sword at the neck. God’s elect suffered so they could learn and be formed. God’s elect would not trade that suffering for anything because it brought them to the knowledge of God’s great Love for us.
He who The Son sets free is free indeed.
For easier reading and directions on becoming the clay in God’s hands go to my website https://paradiseforthehellbound.com where both my testimony and my book can be seen and read free.